My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
