You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
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i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
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The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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