This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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