sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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