What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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