Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
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If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
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I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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