paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Randomize
