my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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