Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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