So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Randomize
