the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
