He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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