She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
