turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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