just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
