Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
