Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize