i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize