Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
