one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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