i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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