Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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