he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she told me i tasted like america
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
