I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
