ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
