Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
