Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
