what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
