Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
