I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
time to smoke my breakfast
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
