also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
