I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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