I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
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