it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
