Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
