Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
