totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
