Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
