Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
