Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
