He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
