somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
What drink are we having for lunch?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
