apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
