i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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