My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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