Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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