How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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