She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
