When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
