Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Couch. On fire.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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