My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
