I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
that is very illegal...i love you.
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