Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
