Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
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We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
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