I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I accidentally burped into my bong.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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