smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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