totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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