So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
