Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
pray to the hookup gods
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
